Nobody wants to marry us, employers reject us, our skin is a problem –Albinos

 Albinos

He was barely one year old when his parents neglected him and parted ways after a serious fight, simply because he was an albino, a rare breed that was contrary to what they had both expected.

Forty years after, Mr. Abdullahi Obafemi, has yet to recover from the painful knowledge that his parents abandoned him. They tossed him between each other until his grandmother, who was living in northern Nigeria, took over his custody.

Obafemi is still haunted by his history, the humiliation and rejection he continues to suffer from the public daily.

“I am my parents’ only child. I learnt their marriage ended abruptly the moment my mother gave birth to me as an albino. In fact, I learnt my mother screamed, Eh! Afin ni mo bi (Ha, I gave birth to an albino) when she saw me.

“While they were busy denying me and fighting over who would take care of me, my grandmother took me away from them,” Obafemi said with a note of sadness.

Growing up was also not easy for Obafemi as he helplessly endured the constant discrimination meted against people like him.

Although albinos are no strange beings as they only lack the pigment that gives colouration to the skin and body parts, called melanin, they are usually discriminated against.

Apart from their skin and brown hair, many albinos suffer from short sight vision, thus, they usually have challenge with seeing objects, whether far or near.

Obafemi recalled his tough experience in school. His bad sight affected his learning in school even when he sat in front of the class.

He said, “I wasn’t seeing things clearly and I couldn’t afford to buy reading glasses. I had to rely on my classmates so I could copy from their notes but they often treated me with disdain. Nobody wanted to move close to an albino.

“Thank God I was brilliant, it was when they saw that I was very good that they came close to me, not because they liked me but they knew I would always solve questions for them so they could pass.”

Despite the resilience and hard work that saw Obafemi through school, getting a good job has remained an elusive desire. He was rejected, abused and humiliated everywhere he looked for job because of his albinism.

Obafemi studied Building Technology at the Yaba College of Technology, Lagos.

“The pains, humiliation and rejection I went through before I could graduate are things I don’t like to remember. It is now more painful that nobody wants to employ me because of my skin and some employers even make jest of me.

“There was a time I applied for a job, and having seen my application, I was invited to write a test. When I got there, one of the interview panel members said, ‘So you are an albino, don’t worry; we will invite you some other time.’

“When I later got a job as a civil servant, I had to learn painting to augment my meagre income and even when people want to give me job, some people would say I wouldn’t see very well because of my eyes. They say I would paint green instead of blue. I lost many jobs because of that too but I got few on compassionate grounds.

“There was a day I went to apply for a security job, I was asked by the company officials how I would see people coming in and I told them I was not blind. But they told me that I was the one who needed security instead, not for me to be a security man.”

Obafemi has had to combat rejection in many ways, including relationship with women.

“Thankfully, I have a nine-year-old son now, who is not an albino, but the family of his mother didn’t allow me to marry her because I was an albino and they said I wasn’t rich enough. However, I am happy I have one already, but I wish I was not an albino, because life would have been easier for me, like others,” he added.

Peculiar troubles

Obafemi’s situation underscores the challenge being faced by people affected by albinism. Inasmuch as they are also humans, many of them have dreams of what to become in life but a number of them have had their hope of a better life replaced by frustration and utter dislike for themselves.

Tola Banjoko is another albino. She suffers from bad sight, and that alone has cost her the desire to go to school as she had to drop out of school.

Born into a family of 10, and as the only albino in the family, life dealt cruelly with her. She told Saturday Punch that not even the idea of sitting in front of the class would help her situation and since her mother could not buy the recommended glasses to aid her vision, she had to stop going to school and opted to run a kiosk.

She said, “When I complained to my mother that I didn’t see things on the board, she didn’t really know what to do. My mother went to plead with my teacher to allow me to sit in front but that didn’t solve the problem.

“I was able to finish primary school because one of my teachers would sit beside me and read the questions to me during exams, but there was no such help when I got to a public secondary school that my parents could afford.

“In JSS1, one of my teachers would always tell me to go and sit at the back because she said I was too tall to sit in front. Even when I tried to explain why I needed to sit there, she wouldn’t listen. And my own sight was so bad that I could put number one in two sometimes. When I became so disturbed about everything, I stopped schooling, more so that I couldn’t afford the pair of glasses that would have aided my sight.”

Banjoko told Saturday PUNCH that after she dropped out of school, her skin began to change for the worst when she had to defy the golden rule for albinos not to roam in the sun, to look for a job until she couldn’t get any and had to settle for running a small kiosk on the street where she earns a living.

“While I was going out to look for job, it was like fire was burning my skin each time I was in the sun until I was forced to start selling things. I still want to go to school and I don’t want to lose hope, but I feel very bad that I am an albino because my education has suffered for it and that is a huge loss for me. I wish I was not an albino but what can I do?” she lamented.

Lamentation, a shared currency

While Banjoko had to drop out of school because of her sight, Chiamaka Chikwem, 26, managed to go to school but has not had much to show for it, even though she finished with a Second Class Upper Division.

She told Saturday PUNCH that she feels so unlucky and unfortunate being an albino because of the disappointments, marginalisation and discrimination she has had to live with.

Chikwem, a graduate of Microbiology from Michael Okpara University, Umudike, Abia State lamented that she had been so frustrated to the extent of considering suicide when it seemed the doors of favour had been shut against her.

“Even when I know I am qualified for a job, I don’t get it and some even say it to my face that an albino cannot do their kind of work. Albinism does not affect our intelligence, we are not blind, it is just the skin colour and our sight. I believe in myself and I know I will make it because I won’t give up,” she lamented.

I will never marry an albino

Chikwem said even though God created her for a purpose, she would never marry a fellow albino. She said, “I feel unlucky and unfortunate being an albino and I will never marry an albino or someone with the gene because that would be double tragedy. It is not because there is something wrong with albinos, I am an albino, but the discrimination has made it a problem.

“I am at the moment an office secretary somewhere and I do another free job because some don’t even want me in the first place, so I forced myself to be there so I could be actively engaged even if I am not being paid. I like to practise what I studied, but nobody wants to give albinos a chance. But I won’t stop searching in spite of the frustration.

“If I struggled to go to school with my short sightedness and graduated with a Second Class Upper division and I still do not get a job because of my colour, that is not a thing of joy. I am sad. Now I want to do my Master’s programme if that would help, but I don’t have the money.”

As she continues to look for job, Chikwem is not thinking about being in a relationship even at 26, because she rarely gets passes from men. She said, “That I’m an albino may be a factor, but I don’t want to think that way. I don’t even like to think about it so that it doesn’t compound my problem, and the reason why you don’t see many albinos at the top is because of the adversities that we face. Those who are not strong-willed tend to lose hope and withdraw their efforts.

“I once considered suicide when the adversities and rejection became so severe; but I chose to face it headlong. When one is pushed beyond some limit, a reaction like suicide could flash through the mind.”

Unrealisable dreams

Forty-three-year-old Lukman Desmond is one of the over six million people living with albinism in Nigeria. Currently unemployed, his dream was to be an officer in the military but he has since let go of that dream due to his albinism. He said he didn’t bother to obtain the form because he knew he would not be considered.

Lukman is trying to manage his fears that his Ordinary Level qualification may not take him anywhere in the midst of over 20 million black-skinned Nigerian youths that are currently unemployed, with the country’s 24 per cent unemployment rate.

He said, “Presently, I have O’ level and I have been looking for a job to support myself to further my education but I have been turned down everywhere I go, even if it is a menial job. It’s frustrating. My father does not have enough to support me to study to a higher level, so I want to help myself and supplement whatever they give to me but people don’t want to employ an albino.

“Because of the rejections here and there, I do ask myself if they don’t want us to live. Even women discriminate against us. By the time you don’t have a job, everybody avoids you and nothing seems to be working in your favour, what is there to live for.”

“At 44 now, I don’t have a girlfriend because they don’t want to come close to me. I was dating a lady sometime ago, but the moment the mother saw me, the instant disapproval on her face was too obvious that I didn’t even wait for her to say it. But I will keep trying until I have a job and married.

Troubled marriage

Apart from those who were born as albinos, another thing that seems to have torn some families apart is albinism. For the dearth of an accurate way of ascertaining who has the albinism gene, it appears Mrs. Linda Mustapha would have others to tell her own kind of bitter story.

Mustapha was barely 16 when she was forced into marriage with a man she had never met by a relative, shortly after her grandfather who had been her guardian.

As a young girl bubbling with life and strong desire for education, all her dreams of a better future soon hit the rocks, an experience that replaced her once joyous life with one full of regrets and frustration, when she married without her consent, to a man that was 15 years older than her.

Fair skinned and very beautiful, when she got to Lagos from the village, and was slowly reconciling herself with the trauma that had flooded her small world, she committed the unexpected crime: She gave birth to albinos — a phenomenon that runs contrary to the culture in her husband’s village.

She had hope of continuing her education someday even though the possibility was not very bright initially when she had her first son, a male with black complexion, but when the second and third children came and they were albinos, hell was let loose by the husband’s family, who not only made sure she was divorced, but also subjected the children to utter discomfort and trouble.

Mustapha recalled that she never knew what love or relationship meant before the arranged marriage, and even when she followed the husband to Lagos, but that life became hellish when she had the two albinos. Since then, she has been enduring a torturous life of abject poverty.

Her case fits in perfectly into the common rhetoric, ‘When the fruit of the womb becomes a disadvantage.’

She said, “I was 10 when I lost my mum and my dad died when I was 14. I was about registering for junior WASSCE when my grandfather died and that is why I don’t have my Junior School Certificate till date because I wrote the exam on credit. Instead of these relatives to help with my exam fees, they were in a hurry to give me out in marriage, and they did.”

She disclosed that to prove how desperate her larger family members were to get rid of her, when her husband could not pay the N600 dowry, someone in her family lent him the money!

She said, “There was no love between us, he never proposed to me and I never knew him. I was a virgin when I was given to him and I never knew anything about sex or relationship before then, so the pains I went through still haunt me till today.

“He handled me as if I was inconsequential, while I became pregnant a year after we arrived Lagos. I was only 17. I wanted to go to school, but he deceived me and told me that I would be kidnapped if I did, and because of the magnitude of the fear he had implanted in me, I could not summon enough courage to run away. I wish I had, even if I was going to die, because now I live in regret and poverty.”

Her marital problems assumed a terrifying dimension when she gave birth to two albinos—a boy and a girl, as the situation pitched her against her husband’s extended family. Even her husband could not forgive her for these births. Eventually, she was sent packing and told never return to the man.

“They told me that it was forbidden to have an albino in their tradition, and when I had mine, his family members accused me of bringing an albino, a forbidden genre of people in their culture, to their home.

Mustapha’s experience underscores the evils of child marriage and its attendant implications. As a fair skinned beautiful lady, she recalled that the husband would come to where she was selling some things to beat and embarrass her, and even accuse her of sleeping around even when she was almost enslaved and was not allowed to go out at will.

“Eventually, he threw my things out, he didn’t allow me to sleep in the house, and I had to sleep in the kitchen every night. As if that was not enough, he locked me out and took the children to his village where his family members made him swear to an oath that he would never allow me to step into his house again. When he was returning to Lagos, they organised another woman for him. The woman left when she couldn’t cope with his attitude.

“My husband threatened to bathe me with acid if he sees me around, all because I gave birth to albinos.”

Life of regrets

Now 37, Mustapha’s torturous experience has shaped her life and confined her into a corner of abundant regrets. Having been out of job for a long time and residing in a church somewhere in Apapa area of Lagos State, she struggles to get money to feed herself, her three children and the husband, who is now sick, on a weekly basis.

Having been at the mercy of friends and relatives since she lost her job as a cleaner, she is currently living from hands to mouth to feed the family of five and buy the necessary protective items for her albino children.

“The children are with him because I don’t have a house. I sleep in a church at the moment. I only go to see them on weekends to give them food that can last them for a week.

“I am not an albino. I didn’t grow up to see any albino in my family, we are only fair skinned, which is not even close to albinism, but they have an albino in their lineage. They have shifted the entire blame on me. I wish my parents didn’t die that early, because all these wouldn’t have happened if they had been alive.”

She said at a point, her in-laws even transferred the anger they felt towards her to her children.

“On a particular occasion after I was sent out of the house leaving my children behind, my husband’s sister came around. One day, she dipped my first son’s buttocks in hot water because they accused him of stealing a belt, leaving his buttocks severely burnt. When he managed to call me and I got there, I took off his trousers to see the extent of the damage. What I saw was shocking! My son’s flesh was gummed to the trousers and it peeled as I tried to remove the trousers. I had to take him to the hospital where the trousers were removed.

“As if that was not enough, the woman also gave pepper and hot water to my first albino child to swallow, and stood on him, all in a bid to torment him. I regret everything that has happened to me. I would have been able to escape if not for my children but now I’m stuck, all because I gave birth to albinos.

It’s not all gloom for the albinos

The coordinator of the albino group in Lagos State, Mrs. Josephine Yejide, who is also a nurse, said it is important for people to know that albinism deals with gene and that it goes beyond facial calculation.

She recalled that she had always lived a freedom-spiced life as a young woman and that she never allowed anybody to look down on her, which was why she was able to make progress in her education and career.

She said even though she had male friends who liked her and wanted her for a relationship, they would always run away when it was time to discuss about marriage or meet with their parents.

She said, “I never entertained inferiority complex and I mixed with everybody, attended parties and even joined the Kegites Club in school, and I was committed to my work, so there was no way anybody would malign me. I always dress well because I understand the perception of people about my skin colour, so if I dress well, people would respect me. There is already a minus for us, so looking bad makes it worse.”

While clarifying some of the controversies trailing albinism, she said contrary to the idea that only an albino could give birth to an albino child, two people with black skin who are carriers of the gene would likely have an albino child. She added that if an albino marries someone who is not an albino and does not have the gene at all, they will not have albino as a child.

She said, “I am an albino but my husband is dark and my children are not albinos because my husband does not have the gene. They are only fair and their fair complexion is not excessive. It is not about being fair, it is about being a carrier of the gene.

“We tell parents of albinos to go to the children’s school and talk to the teachers to enable the albino child to sit infront of the class and we encourage albinos who are students to study twice as much as others because of their sight.”

Josephine added that living with albinism could be very challenging but the main challenges lie with their skin and sight.

Another albino, Dr. Douglas Anele, who is a senior lecturer in the Department of Philosophy, University of Lagos, is one of the albinos who have carved a niche for themselves. He is a prolific writer, with many of his scholarly works published in international journals.

How albinos are treated across the world

Albinism is said to affect about one in every 20,000 people across the world and this population is distributed across some countries. In China, the world most populous country, one out of every 18,000 people is affected, out of its over 1.3 billion people. In the United States, one out of every 37,000 people is affected, out of its over 319 million people. Also, in the United Kingdom, one of every 17,000 people is said to be affected, out of its over 64 million people.

With over six million albinos in Nigeria, the country is rated to have one of the highest albinism prevalent rates in the world while children constitute about 40 per cent of the population. In many African countries with black people like Nigeria, anyone with a deviant colour stands to be treated as an outcast.

While albinism has been proven to be a genetic condition caused by the absent of melanin in the skin of those affected, many African children are at the risk of deep rejection, discrimination and even death, the latter being occasioned by the myth that they have potency for black magic ritual, fortune, wealth and good health.

I can only work with Femi when I’m broke –Seun Kuti

Seun Kuti

Seun Kuti, son of the late afrobeat legend, Fela, tells ‘NONYE BEN-NWANKWO why people think he is a controversial artiste and why he is not getting married anytime soon

We learnt you just came back from a world tour

Oh yes. It was a six-month tour. We went to Canada, Trinidad, Cannery Island, Algeria and so many other countries. We went to Brazil, Argentina as well. I went with my band members and it was very successful.

So the foreign crowd still identify with afro beat music?

Oh yes. We had a good time and the fans had a good time. Music is music anywhere and it has a universal language. I don’t think race or nationality impacts on music. It has got nothing to do with tribe. If it is good, people will love it and they would dance and sing. Music has nothing to do with feelings or language. We left in March and came back in May for 10 days and left again till we came back in November. I had to cancel some shows to be able to come back because I was tired. Offers kept coming but I couldn’t keep touring. I was exhausted. I was performing almost four times a week for almost 24 weeks. I was physically exhausted.

But you hardly get engagements in Nigeria, why?

I don’t know. I come back here to rest because I don’t get jobs here. I don’t understand it as well. At times, I am saddened by it because it is just a shame. It is not even about me but the band which has the pedigree of being a big band. But just for political reasons, we are being excluded. I believe afro beat should be in high demand in Nigeria, Fela did a lot for Nigerians. I watch the shows here and it is not as if they are better than what I do.

Don’t you think you are not invited to perform here in Nigeria because your songs are so controversial?

In America, political artistes hardly get shows. The entertainment industry is highly corporate these days. Artistes are no longer artistes, they are businessmen. You hear them calling themselves ‘brands’ and such names. Most of them that are famous no longer have the artistic spirit. The spirit is feared in corporate world. The real artiste cannot be dictated to. They want people they can tell how to dress and what to sing. Artistes who play political music are totally ignored these days. It is not only in Nigeria. It is normal that Nigerian establishments fight back against me. But why I am not happy about this is just because of The Shrine. Even if people think my brother and I are not making good music, I think Fela has done enough for this country for people to support the Shrine. But they give stupid reasons that the Shrine is dangerous.

But is it not?

It is not! The Shrine has never experienced a case of robbery except once when we invited Fuji people to come and perform there. I don’t want to name the artiste but at that show, they were robbing people even in the toilet. Apart from that, there’s no other case of robbery.

Is it not high time you switched to the other side?

There is no benefit in ‘the other side.’ I have been playing music since I was eight years old and that is like 23 years ago. I respect the few artistes who have toed that line and maybe, made it. But they eventually became pastors. These are people like Ebenezer Obey and Kris Okotie. The other ones are those who praise-sing people who can be their children just because they want to make money from them. I don’t want that to be my portion.

Is it right to say that you are controversial just because your father was and in your quest to be like him, you try to emulate him in all things?

I don’t think I am even controversial. The society is morally bankrupt, so they find truth as controversial. I try as much as possible to be myself all the time. Being Fela’s son is part of who I am. If someone as great as Fela is your father, it is very likely that he would influence you. I don’t owe anybody any explanation for that. I have never made decisions because I want to be like my father. In fact, my father never encouraged us to make decisions like that. We were taught to accept who we are in its entirety. A big part of my individuality is that I am Fela’s son, what can I do? I just say things the way they are. One day, I wore a suit for my video and the next thing I read about me was, ‘Controversial artiste turns his back against his father, wears a suit.’

How old were you when he died?

I was almost 15 when he died.

What kind of a father was he?

Fela didn’t beat his children; that wasn’t his style. He said he didn’t like his father because his father used to beat him. He didn’t beat us because he didn’t want us to ‘hate’ him the way he ‘hated’ his father. He used to talk to us to correct us and we would listen. He believed so much in talking and he could talk to you for close to two hours, which you wouldn’t want again.

You said you started playing music at the age of eight, couldn’t you have chosen to do another thing but music?

Growing up, I thought of doing so many things apart from music. I was really good in school. I didn’t need to read to pass my exams. I could have done an intellectual job. I could have been an Economist. That was basically my dream. I was the captain of my high school football team. I love football a lot. I still play the game.

So why didn’t you go professional?

I could have but my uncle told me that professional footballers retire in their 30s and that all the good coaching jobs are taken. So, I would probably be bored for the second half of my life. That is why old footballers get fat. This brought me to the other love that I had which is music. I love music. My parents never asked me to play music. Maybe it was out of love for music and a bit of naivety that made me get into music.

Hasn’t your music put you in trouble before?

You only get into trouble when you do something that is against the law. My music cannot put me into trouble. This is democracy. They can only attack us economically.

Did you watch your dad perform?

I used to go to all the shows with my dad. I saw his lifestyle. He made money; people loved him and his music. There were women everywhere. I felt it was the easiest job ever. But that was very naive. Music is not easy at all. I think a musician’s life is one of the hardest to live. We have to be perfect anytime we work. If a musician makes a mistake on the stage, that is the beginning of the end of his career. If you make it two or three more times, people will say you are not ‘tight’ on the stage.

Can we ever see you and Femi collaborating?

Collaborations like that are money spinners. If we would collaborate, it is not because we want to do something great for music because we are already making great music individually. But if we do it, it would mainly be for financial reason. We agreed that as soon as we feel our career is slowing down and money is not coming as it should, we would jump into the studio and do a money spinner.

Did you actually mean it when you said you weren’t going to get married even to the mother of your child?

I don’t believe in marriage. If I had wanted to be married, I would have been working towards it. People can decide what they want to do with their lives. I just don’t believe in that institution especially as it is set up today

How do you mean?

I don’t like the idea of ‘ownership.’ Nobody has the right to own anybody. This is a capitalist idea so that people can make profit off love. You don’t make profit off love.

What if the mother of your child decides to get married to someone else?

She is free. If she wants to be married, then that is her choice. What will I do about it? Will I put a gun to her head and insist that she should not get married? But I know she will not do that because we have a strong bond and we understand each other and our partnership is great. We are raising a beautiful daughter and it would be a big surprise if she says she wants to get married to someone else.

Do you miss your father?

I miss him. He raised me. I grew up with him. It would be callous of me to say I don’t miss him. It would be a lie too. Lies are even worse than callousness. I wish I could have a conversation with him. It would be great if I could talk to him.

Best of sex this holiday season with natural home remedies

Funmi Akingbade

Couples should bear it in mind that having problems with sexuality or erection does not mean that one is physiologically or psychologically abnormal in any way. A man shouldn’t allow his self-esteem and sex-esteem to suffer. The moment this is allowed, the case becomes worse. Rather, it is better to abstain from intercourse altogether for a period of time and married couples should instead engage more in cuddling and nonsexual touches. Gradually, over a period of weeks or months, depending on the couple, the partners would have worked toward a more relaxing atmosphere and then intercourse will naturally follow. This idea is to make sex a less-threatening experience and to overcome the anxiety grip.

Couples can even add some spice to the lovemaking by going to a different setting. They can change the routine by trying out new positions. Stress arising either from performance anxiety or from other life situations can worsen sexual disorder and erectile dysfunction. Regardless of the cause, it’s difficult to enjoy oneself when one has too much on his mind. Try relaxation exercises such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, where you consciously tense and relax each part of the body in sequence.

Feel free to express your feelings. Marital difficulties are notorious contributors to sexual problems. Anger, resentment and hurt feelings often spill into a couple’s sex life, turning the bedroom into a battlefield. This situation is likely to develop if partners don’t communicate. Share your feelings with your spouse. This festive period is the best time to really relax because it is full of fun. Use “I” statements, and keep the focus on your feelings, instead of your partner’s actions. Doing a thorough housecleaning of the relationship may very well clear the way for a healthier sexual union instead of storing up emotional debris.

Don’t drink before sex. Drinking alcohol or being drunk can significantly impair your sexual functioning. Try once in a while to recapture your previous successful experiences. If performance anxiety has undermined your confidence, thinking about positive sexual relationships or experiences you have had in the past may help boost your self-esteem. It may also convince you that you can have a fulfilling sex life in the future. Involve your partner. Although erectile difficulties originate with the man while sexual disorders originate both from man and woman, these challenges are a married couple’s problem and can be sorted out by the couple. If the problem is not medical, there are many home remedies strategies.

Have a positive mind-set. Just as you are so optimistic about every other life issue, believe that sexual disorder and erectile dysfunction can be completely resolved. For many of these sexual challenges, a few minutes visit to the hospital and basic medical routine check-up may detect some underlying causes. When they are treated, these ‘gigantic’ challenges easily become issues of the past.

Eating up to 100g on a regular basis of some of our common natural foods is highly beneficial in healing various forms of sexual disorder especially in females and also increases libido and sexual power in men. Some of the foods are Alfalfa sprouts, pistachios, almonds, dried dates, walnuts, local popcorn, quince seeds, salmon, garlic, wheat, black gram, honey, boiled egg, ginger, nuts and white onions. Some of them are well packaged in capsule forms and are available. If you need some of them, you can give me a call.

Natural therapies, like full body massages with olive oil to the base of the penis, lateral sides of the pubic area of the woman and hot baths done with coconut oil regularly are home remedies that have done wonders.

Besides this, couple can adopt cooling method remedy. This is best achieved during foreplay. When you caress your wife and she fondles your penis with good lubricant, soon you will notice that you will reach the point where you will be forced to tell her, ‘’Wait…I am close to ejaculating, but I don’t want to ejaculate until I’m inside you. So stop fondling me for a few minutes, I need to cool.’’ But during those minutes, you will continue to caress her, concentrate more on her nipples and clitoris [you can even suck them] while she lets go of your penis for few minutes until you say, “okay, fondle me again,’’ and soon after that you will tell her, “wait … I need to cool again.’’ Repeat this ‘fondle-cool’ many times. [That is before you enter her, she fondles your penis, but she doesn’t make you ejaculate.] Then you enter her. Because she fondled you before entry many times, this will help train you to the extent that when you eventually enter her, you will not ejaculate too soon. Do not worry if you have little success the first time you try the ‘fondle-cool home remedy. It may take weeks. Just remember, before you enter your wife, let her fondle your penis for a long time, but without making you ejaculate. After some weeks, you will find that this is helping you to slow down after you finally enter her. It will also help you to make your wife climax.

Another home remedy is the PC muscle exercise or Kegel exercise. This is helpful because it is very natural and can be done anywhere anytime and as many times as possible. Kegel exercise is all about squeezing the PC each time you pass urine. Why urine? Because the PC controls the bladder and the urethra of the man, it even spreads to the prostrate and the pelvic wall. All you need to do is make sure you drink a cup of water every hour. This helps you to visit the bathroom and as soon as you want to urinate, just make sure you are not bringing out the urine at once. Divide the urine into three and as soon as you push out the first part, stop and squeeze. Repeating this over and over strengthens the PC cord and invariably reduces the rush of the sperm leading to quick ejaculation during thrusting in and out.

The masters and Johnson squeeze remedy is also one of several techniques men can use to develop the ability to control ejaculation and exercise weak penis. Ask your wife to caress you to point of arousal. As soon as you get a full erection (not before orgasm – just when you get a full erection), she should stop and put her two index fingers under the base of the cap of your penis. The thumb must be placed over the frenulum, which is the elastic band of the penis; it connects the foreskin to the penis. She should then squeeze it hard for about four seconds (she needs to squeeze quite hard), you may even lose between 10 and 30 per cent of your erection because of the squeezing. This is completely normal. Your partner should wait for 15-30 seconds after releasing the squeeze before starting to stimulate your penis again. As soon as you re-gain a full erection, the squeeze technique can again be done. This pattern can be repeated 4-5 times in the first time. When you have done this a few times, it gradually firms the tissues of the penis.

Questions and Answers

Is it normal to sweat excessively during and after sex?

I am one of those that have higher preference for night sex. Until it is late into the night, I may not get aroused or have any desire at all for sex. I am grateful to God because my wife quickly adjusted to this. Sometimes I may wake her up from sleep, have a hot sex and immediately, she will sleep off. But my problem is this, I sweat excessively during and long after the act regardless of the level of coolness in our room. Am I okay?

Mr. Mofutau Brown

Excessive sweaty night sex is not related to any overheated environment. This may be as a result of unknown several hormone disorders, osteomyelitis or tuberculosis. Sometimes, it may be as a result of some symptoms of HIV infection. Some medications are most commonly associated with night sweats, while many cases are as a result of an idiopathic hyperhidrosis, a condition in which the body chronically produces too much sweat especially during and after sex without any identifiable medical cause. It will be a good idea if you visit a medical practitioner.

Can I still look forward to erotic sex at 50?

I know we age with everything including our sexual drive. But should aging affect desire? Does having grandchildren pose a threat to my family moral structure? My husband believes that since we have started having grandchildren, I am not supposed to still look forward to having erotic or pleasurable sex anymore. He says it is a sign of sexual perversion. He says instead, we should agree on him getting married to a younger girl to satisfy his own sexual needs while I teach her and my children’s wives how to be good wives. Funmi, is this right morally and medically? Do the sexuality of men change also or is it only those of women?

Mrs. Christiana Bibil

It is wrong morally and medically. It is either your husband is so traditional or he wants to justify the fact that he wants another wife with his own theory. Now the point is this, as we age, we experience sexual changes and because sexuality tends to be a private matter, it’s likely that you’ve heard less about sexual change than any other element of aging. But the good news is this, for most healthy adults, pleasure and interest don’t even diminish with age. Most people are sexual throughout their lives. Around age 50, men and women typically begin to notice changes in their sexual drive, sexual response, or both. Like so many other physical changes, they aren’t signs that you are losing your sexuality. Rather, these changes are simply something to adjust to without bias.

As men begin to age beyond 50s, their sex drive is minimally affected by age (although health problems, certain medicines, or relationship stress can lower sex drive). Their erections become less firm and tend to take more time than when younger. They may be actually able to delay ejaculation longer than when younger. But as women age beyond 50s, their level of oestrogen, androgen and pegesterone drops as a result of menopause, causing physical changes in the breasts and nipples. This may make it longer for a woman to become sexually excited and less interested in sex. Sometimes, because the skin may be more sensitive, she gets easily irritated when caressed. And because the wall of the vagina has become thinner, sex may be painful (but regular sex and good lubricant especially from the husband’s tongue often help prevent this from becoming severe).

In conclusion, I think what both of you should work towards is how to adjust to every age-related sexual change you may be experiencing rather than one party taking a flight. And with a little experimentation and patience, you can adjust to sexual changes and satisfy your sexual and intimacy needs.

I am a young wife but turning ugly

I started using some form of family planning injection on my arms because at 27 years, I am a mother of three sets of twins. It is not only financially draining but I live in and out of the hospital. Recently, I started noticing that I had suddenly developed excessive growth of facial and body hair while I keep losing the hair on my head. I am just 27 years old, I don’t have a strand of hair on my head any longer; rather I have hair all over my face and body. It is very embarrassing. Please, am I turning into a man?

Mrs. Itunu Oyejo

If you said you are on a family planning injection, there would be a need for you to visit your family planning officer or your doctor because your physical changes may be as a result of the side effect of some of the family planning injection. For instance, if you are on Depo-Provera, it may be the reason for the excessive growth of facial and body hair and hair loss on the head. Headaches, nervousness, depression dizziness, acne, changes in appetite and, weight gain/ loss are some of the side effects. It is made up of a hormone similar to progesterone and excess of it may not be ideal for you.